The Coaching Habit by Michael Bungay Stainer

Following Alison Spence's coaching sessions, the ASL's read The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More and Change The Way You Lead by Michael Bungay Stanier to understand further the power of asking questions.

Alix Osbaldiston and Vicki Brooke have summarised the reading highlighting the key points.

The Coaching Habit by Michael Bungay Stainer

Coaching Habit: Say less, ask more and change the way you lead forever

The Coaching Habit was an easy read. It highlighted seven specific questions you can ask yourself, to encourage meaningful conversations and equip you with the tools to make these a habit. By asking the following questions you can begin to break the tendency to speak more than you listen.

HOW TO BUILD A HABIT:

Coaching helps you break free from three vicious cycles:

• Overdependence on the manager
• Getting overwhelmed with requests
• Becoming disconnected from your team

THE KICK START QUESTION: Breaking the ice to discover the power of an opening question.

People often struggle with starting conversations, but a good opening line can make all the difference. However, there are three situations that can hinder deep conversations: the Small Talk Tango, the Ossified Agenda, and the Default Diagnosis.

The Small Talk Tango: Small talk might be useful but it's rarely the bridge that leads to a conversation that matters.

The Ossified Agenda: This situation is commonly found in standing meetings and puts the process in front of what really matters.

The Default Diagnosis: Pursuing something that you think is the issue might not be the real topic.

So what is the ‘Kickstart Question’: "What's on Your Mind?"

An almost fail-safe way to start a chat that quickly turns into a real, healthy, and productive conversation is the question, "What's on your mind?" It's a Goldilocks question, walking a fine line so it is neither too open and broad nor too narrow and confining.

Coaching for Performance (to fix a problem or challenge) vs. Coaching for Development (its personal, developing the person in problem-solving):

The 3P’s (Projects (performance-based items) / People (relationships) / Patterns (change behaviour) ) model is a straightforward way to create focus, make the conversation more robust, and shift the focus to the more powerful level that's coaching for development. Coaching for performance is about addressing and fixing a specific problem or challenge while coaching for development is about turning the focus from the issue to the person dealing with the issue.

Deepen Focus with the 3Ps. The 3P model is a framework for choosing what to focus on in a coaching conversation. A challenge might typically be centered on a project, a person, or a pattern of behaviour.

The trigger for this question is the start of some sort of conversation. Instead of small talk, advice-giving mode, defaulting to the standard agenda, or telling the person what the topic of conversation is, you can ask them, "What's on your mind?" as your new habit.

“Answers are closed rooms; and questions are open doors that invite us in” - Nancy Willard

THE AWE QUESTION: Real Magic: The Power of the AWE Question (And What Else?)

The AWE "And What Else?" Question is a powerful tool that can create more possibilities, insights, and self-awareness, leading to better decisions. “And What Else?” is the quickest and easiest way to uncover and create new possibilities.

By asking this question, you can channel your inner Ron Popeil and create more options that lead to better decisions.

Additionally, asking "And What Else (AWE)?" can help you Tame your Advice Monster: (tell less and ask more / your advice is not as good as you think and often we think we know what the answer is even though we don’t actually), giving you time to figure out what's going on before offering advice.

Four practical tips to use the AWE Question effectively:

1. Stay curious and genuine - focus on active listening
2. Ask the question at least three times, but no more than five
3. See the success and recognize when you've reached the end of this line of inquiry (often the person may say “Is there nothing else”.
4. Move on when it's time. Use statements like “Is there anything else?”, invites close but keeps a door open in case something else needs to be said.

However, be careful not to overwhelm yourself with options, as too many choices can lead to decision-making paralysis. By incorporating the AWE Question into everyday conversations, you can build a new habit of curiosity and possibility.

“Ask the right questions if you are going to find the right answers” - Vanessa Redgrave

THE FOCUS QUESTION: What’s the real challenge for you?

By asking this question you can focus on the real issue at hand, specific to the person and situation, not the first problem that may have arisen. You can start to build from, what's the challenge? To ‘What’s the real challenge?’ To ‘What's the real challenge here for you’.

Often, what people present as the problem is just a symptom or a secondary issue, and jumping in to fix it can lead to working on the wrong problem or doing the work that the team should be doing. It's essential to take a step back and properly identify the root cause of the problem to ensure that the right solution is found. Sometimes employees just want to vent about a person or work and don’t actually want it fixed. By asking the focus question it helps slow the conversation down so you can reach the underlying issues and attack the real problem or determine which problem you need to solve first.

We get trapped into doing work we shouldn’t be doing or solving the wrong problem. Therein lies the focus question "What's the real challenge here for you". When faced with team problems, resist the urge to solve them all immediately. Instead, ask yourself: What's the real challenge here for you? This encourages deeper thinking and personal reflection, leading to a more effective solution. By using the Focus Question, you can cut through the fog and coach more effectively.

When an employee starts to lose his train of thought or if you’re having a hard time following, that’s a good time to ask the focus question. Redirect the ‘Ghost’ “I think I understand what’s going on with the (external) problem/I have a sense of the overall challenge. What's the real challenge here for you?

During a conversation about a general idea, it's common to hear talk of "us" and "we" without any mention of "me" or "I." If you find yourself losing focus, use the Focus Question to bring the conversation back to the person and ask them what their real challenge is. This will help ground the conversation and find a solution to the abstraction and generalisation. For you have the power to hone in and narrow the focus.

Here are three strategies to make the Focus Question work for you.

●     First, trust that you're being useful when you shift from giving advice to asking questions. Recognize the moment when the person pauses to think and figure out the answer.

●     Second, remember that there is a place for your advice. If someone asks a straightforward question, provide a straightforward answer.

●     Third, master the "What was most useful here for you?" question to create a learning moment for both the person and yourself.

To improve your questioning skills, remember to ask the second question: "And what else?" This can help uncover more challenges and lead to a better understanding of the situation.

Every fibre of your body is twitching with desire to fix it, solve it, offer a solution to it.

“Without a good question, a good answer has no place to go” - Clayton Christenson

THE FOUNDATION QUESTION: What do you want?

The foundation question is “What do you want”? Differentiates between wants and needs allowing for an improvement in communication and decision-making. Asking people what they want requires managers to be comfortable with silence. Most people struggle to express what they really want and end up tip-toeing around an issue, due to a fear of hearing no. Do not try and fill the gap, instead create the space for learning and insight.

Wants are the surface requests. They are what people would like to have. Needs go deeper, they are the drivers to meet that want.  Managers should get people to clearly identify the need to find out what’s behind the want.

The illusion that both parties to the conversation knows what the other party wants is pervasive and it sets the stage for plenty of frustrating exchanges.

There are nine self-explanatory universal needs. When using the Foundation question, listen to see the need that likely lies behind the person's request.

affection	creation	recreation
freedom	identify	understanding
participation	protection	subsistence

There are four primary drivers that influence how the brain reads a situation - Tribe, Expectation, Rank, and Autonomy (TERA). If the TERA quotient can be increased, it is good for all involved and that’s where asking “what do you want” can be used. It increases the sense of tribe-iness, increases that person's autonomy and puts them on an even platform taking away rank.

“What do you want” - has the effect of pulling people to the outcome, and once you see the destination, the journey becomes clearer.

THE LAZY QUESTION: How can I help?

It is essential to realize the differences between being helpful and “helpful”. Helpful is asking the right questions to have the person on the right track without doing all the work, whereas “helpful” is doing all the work and getting burnout in the organization.

When you ask the lazy question, “How can I help?” You are not allowing the employee to discuss their real feelings but rather get to the root of the issue they are having. This question is “lazy” because it gets the other person to propose a solution without you having to develop one.

Stephen Karpman has come out with a Drama Triangle (quite like the TA model) – where he says we are dancing between three archetypal roles – the Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer – each of which is unhelpful and dysfunctional as the other. The lazy question helps break leaders or managers out of the drama circle.

Victim - The victim is often the person who feels that everyone is out to get them in the organization.

The persecutor- is the person who thinks they are better than everyone and is known to micromanage everything. This person often feels alone in the organization.

The rescuer- is the person who thinks they need to help everyone and does not always think about everyone else. Often the rescuer has people avoiding their help because they take over.

These three labels are not descriptions of who you are – they are descriptions of how you are behaving in a given situation. These are roles we end up playing when we have been triggered and in that state. The question “How can I help?” forces your colleague to make a direct and clear request and stops you from thinking that you know how best to help and leaping into action.

You can help your colleagues find their own solutions and avoid becoming overcommitted while still adding value. Remember, being lazy in this sense is a good thing, as it allows for more effective management and impactful choices.

“The minute we begin to think we have all the answers, we forget the questions” - Madeleine L’Engle

THE STRATEGIC QUESTION: If you say yes to this, what are you saying no to?

The strategic question is about not always having to say yes, sometimes you are able to say no. This does not make you a bad leader, rather it allows you to focus on what is important. Learning to say YES more slowly means being willing to stay curious before committing.

The essence of strategy is choosing what not to do. A ‘yes’ is nothing without the ‘no’ that gives it boundaries and form. By asking the Strategic question, it can help you understand the impact your yes will have on projects, people, and patterns.

Projects

• What projects do you need to abandon or postpone?
• What meetings will you no longer attend?
• What resources do you need to divert to the Yes?

People

•  What expectations do you need to manage?
• From what Drama Triangle dynamics will you extract yourself?
• What relationships will you let wither?

Patterns

• What habits do you need to break?
• What old stories or dated ambitions do you need to update?
• What beliefs about yourself do you need to let go of?

Sometimes, as a leader, you need to realize that you cannot say yes to everything that comes across your desk. If you do, you are going to burn out and not do great work, you will just be doing good work.  There are both positive and negative reasons why people say yes and no to things.

	Bad reasons to say	Good reasons to say
Yes	*I will do anything to have you get off the phone or leave the office. *I know that I’m not actually going to do it. *I think this will make people really like me *Habit.	*I was curious about the request. *I’m clear on what I’m going to stop doing so I can start doing this. *It’s work that will have an impact and that means something. * My boss has made it clear that it’s not negotiable.
No	*I don’t like the person. * I’m comfortable and I don’t want things to change. *Attack is the best form of defence. *Habit.	*I was curious about the request and asked questions, and the person gave me good answers, so now I know it’s not a fit. *I’ve thought about what my core priorities are, and I’m willing to hold the line. * I’m trying to build a reputation as someone who’s strategic and thoughtful.

Alongside the Strategic question, you shouldn’t be afraid to find out a bit more about the task before responding by asking the following:

• Why have you asked me?
• When you say this is urgent, what do you mean?
• If I couldn't do all of this but could do just a part, what would you have me do?
• According to what standard does this need to be completed? By when?

By asking the strategic question, you bring the commitment out of the shadows and into an even sharper, bolder focus.

Another aspect of the Strategic question is uncovering the two types of “no”.

·       The ‘no’ of omission – options that are automatically eliminated by you saying ‘yes’

·       The ‘no’ of commission – uncovers what you now need to say to make ‘yes’ happen.

It is easier to say “no” to those closest to us and those furthest away. By not responding straight away and asking yourself the above questions, you buy yourself time. You can then look at the proposal on a piece of paper rather than on someone's face, making it easier and less confronting to make a decision.

Saying YES more slowly means being willing to stay curious before committing.

“To be on a quest is nothing more or less than to become an asker of questions” - Sam Keen

THE LEARNING QUESTION:  "What Was Most Useful For You?"

This question looks at how people gain knowledge effectively and creates a learning moment to coach for development.

As a leader or manager, you want your team to learn and become more competent. However, people don't learn simply by being told or doing something. They start learning and creating new neural pathways, only when they have a chance to recall and reflect on what happened.

Reflection is a powerful tool. If it is not the first time you have met with someone then begin your meeting with “What have you learnt since we last met”.  Get them to reflect on the celebrations or challenges they have had. Reflecting helps people to learn and empowers them to solve problems themselves. What was most useful here for you?” is a strong and positive way to finish a conversation. By finishing a conversation with this question, you extract the value from the conversation and strengthen the social contract. This question helps people remember the experience more favourably. When we ask a question and the person generates the answer themselves, the odds of memory retention increase substantially.

A-attention G-generation E-emotion S-spacing AGES is an acronym. This acronym helps to understand that when we take time to learn and obtain knowledge, we remember it better than when advice is just given "What Was Most Useful for You?" is a superfood compared to other questions because it assumes the conversation was useful, asks people to identify the big thing that was most useful, makes it personal, gives you feedback, is about learning not judgment, and reminds people how useful you are to them.

“We live in the world our questions create” - David Cooperrider